Imperfections
by TheatreBroadwayGirl
Summary: "As I had always read in books, and what I had come to believe, is that any pain, fears, or trouble you have would all disappear with the one you love. I mean, that's happily ever after, right? When you get into a relationship, boom, instantly, your personal feelings are okay. But that can't be true. " Warning:Depression, cutting, and mentions of blood. AVALABLE ON AO3 & WATTPAD
1. Chapter 1

As I had always read in books, and what I had come to believe, is that any pain, fears, or trouble you have would all disappear with the one you love. I mean, that's happily ever after, right? When you get into a relationship, boom, instantly, your personal feelings are okay.

But it can't be true.

It is true, though, I'm in love. Just recently feelings became mutual with my long time friend, Hide. He loved me. I loved him. _More then friends_ love. So, then, it should happen? The dark feeling I have inside should disappear. But, it hasn't. When I'm with Hide I'm okay, but alone, I'm not.

This feeling inside me had been there for so long, shouldn't it be all okay now?

It had all started when I was younger, I mean, we all know the story of what it was like when I was younger. Things did start to get better, though, once I went to college and I was on my own. I lived nicely by myself, and I had my best friend with me at course, sometimes I had off days where I would feel down and even if nothing wrong happened to me, I would just feel under the weather. But it would come and go, and then I would go on with my life. It was nothing I would feel concerned about.

Things started to get really bad though for me when I knew I really loved Hide. I did love him, but I didn't know if he loved me. I told myself over and over that even being friends was okay. But, it just hurt so much. I darkness feeling just seemed to appear whenever I thought about that.

It actually was not me who confessed, though, when Hide and I got together. It was just an average day after school, and Hide was walking with me, as I had told him I wanted to stop by a bookstore to pick up a new book. We were alone walking down a path as leaves fell indicating autumn was approaching. We had been waking in a comfortable silence and soon I noticed Hide stopped behind me slightly. I turned around and looked at him. He had his fists clenched and his head turned to the side so I couldn't see his expression. "Hide?" I started to question. "Kaneki," he had started, "I can't keep going like this." I remember the feeling of my heart dropping thinking of the turned and faced me finally with a weary smile, "Kaneki, I don't care if you don't feel the same, but I have to say it. I really love you. And not just as a friend, I just really really love you. I need you to know this. I have felt this way for a while..." It was at that moment I started feeling tears roll down my cheeks as I looked at him "H-hide." Words caught in my throat as I tried to speak "I love you too. I have for a while as well." The next thing I could remember was Hide cupping my face in his hands and we shared a long passionate kiss. As all that happened I remember feeling like everything was suddenly better, anything I felt was just lifting off my shoulders and going away.

But, that was now over 2 weeks ago, and whenever I'm alone, I get that darkness feeling still.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up this morning and as I tried to get up I suddenly found it impossible to get myself up and ready for the day. The room felt dark, and as if it was holding me there. _What is my point to get up anyways? I'd be alone when I come back here._ I tried sitting up but, just felt heavy and weak. As I struggled to force myself up I gave up motivation and decided to just lay in bed. I would just make up any work I missed for the day. I turned on my phone to find texts from Hide, he asked where I was. " _Not feeling well. Might be sick. I'll see you tomorrow._ " Was all I responded. After that I turned off my phone and just stared out in my empty room. It felt so dark. I felt so dark. All I was left with was my own thoughts.

 _What am I so down about? Why do I feel... Upset? Why do I feel so alone? I am alone though. I always seem to end up alone..._

I snapped myself out of my thoughts when I realized I needed to walk to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and stared back at myself. I looked how I felt. Dark circles under my eyes, unkempt hair, ruffled clothing. _What am I here for?_ As I looked at myself I started to wonder. _Why would Hide even like me? I'm no good. I'm so flawed._ My movements started to feel so unconscious as I stood there. I stared at my perfect skin I had. Why was my skin so perfect? It shouldn't be. Because I'm not perfect. In my hands suddenly was one new and perfectly silver razor. I looked at myself in the mirror, then down at the razor, then at my arm. _Perfect skin..._ Next thing I knew, my eyes were shut tight and I felt the cool surface of the razor against my left arm. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I opened my eyes to see the razor tainted with red. I removed the razor but then it was against my arm again making another mark. I felt so focused on that, my thoughts on anything else faded temporarily.

As the putrid smell of blood hit me I quickly threw down the razor and put a damp towel against my fresh cuts. I then washed off the razor and tucked it away. I walked back to my bed and removed the towel and let it fall to the floor. I'll just clean it later.

I stayed in bed the rest of the day.

At some point the day ended. I knew I had to push myself to go to school tomorrow. Being home felt so toxic and I knew I shouldn't be left alone. Part of me hoped Hide would help me, since whenever I'm with him I'm actually happy. But, another part of me never wanted him to find out. It would only burden him. It would scare him.

 _He'd run for sure._


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up I felt worn out. I still pushed really hard to get out to school and actually found myself walking the way to campus. As I walked alone I rolled up my sleeve to see the two clean cuts from yesterday. I felt a pang in my chest as I looked at them.

How could I have been so weak?

I arrived at school and found Hide running over to me. He pecked me quickly on lips for no one to notice but still enough to feel affection. He felt so nice. "Kanekiiii" Hide whined "you left me alone yesterdayyy." _I know. I'm sorry Hide._ "But as long as you're feeling better now, you're here!" He continued "I copied my notes for you." He slid me a folder with papers. "Thank you Hide." I said quietly. Hide gave me a contorted face, "Are you sure you're okay, 'Neki? You seem kinda down."I plastered a fake smile on my face, "yeah I'm fine!" Out of a bad force of habit I rubbed my chin slightly as I responded to Hide, but I quickly shot the hand back to my side.

We both walked along on our way to classes when Hide suggested we go on a real date sometime. "We hang out a lot but I feel we should, you know, go out." Hide said "I'll plan everything for this date. But, you want to go out? Like, Friday night?" My face started to heat up a little. I was truly touched that he wanted to do actual couple stuff together. "I would love to do that." I said giving off a small smile. Hide placed his arm around me pulling me in closer. "Perfect!" He projected, "It's a little pressure, though. Trying to plan the perfect date in 2 days for my perfect boyfriend."I gave off another small smile that felt, forced. Hide thought I was perfect, but I didn't feel perfect. I knew I wasn't perfect. I had two reminders on my arm to tell me that.

Classes ended and Hide walked me back to my place. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kaneki." He said as I turned to open my door. "Yeah, I'll see you." I said as I turned to then face back at him. Hide leaned over and kissed me, quickly. "I love you, Kaneki." He said pulling away. "I love you too, Hide." I responded shyly. With that he shot me a smile and walked away as I returned into apartment. I felt so nice with Hide, but now being back home alone, I could feel the weight of what I had been feeling back on me. I didn't want to think about pain or sadness. _Why am I so sad?_ I walked back to my bed when I noticed the towel I left there from yesterday. It was stained with blood all through the center. I picked it up to put it in my hamper to wash later. I placed it with other dirty clothes to realize I need to do laundry soon. _I'll just, do it later._ I had no motivation to do it at the moment.

The night went on and on and later I went to the bathroom to get ready to sleep. I opened a drawer to brush my teeth and found the razor from yesterday. Although I had cleaned it off, you could tell the razor was no longer new. It was awful to admit but, when I had the razor yesterday, the things I felt had briefly gone away because I was feeling physical pain instead. It felt... Better. As I picked the razor up to look at it briefly. I knew I wasn't supposed to do this. _But, I would rather feel that pain then what I feel now._ Suddenly, I had the razor against my arm again. This time I added three more slashes to one arm and two to the other. It hurt just like yesterday. I felt the blood rolling off my arm into the sink. I frantically turned on the sink to wash it off. Water stung as it hit the cuts. I quickly got out small bandages to wrap my arms so the blood wouldn't keep dripping everywhere. After that I cleaned up the sink and went to just lay in my bed. I stared down at the bandages loosely wrapped on my arms.

 _What am I doing? This is bad. This is very bad._


	4. Chapter 4

Before I knew it, Friday had arrived. The two days past were no different for me. I added a little more to the talley marks growing on my arms, but tried so very hard to do as little damage as possible. It felt so good, but I knew it wasn't something I should do.

After getting through the whole day of classes, I met up with Hide briefly for him to tell me he was going to be at my place at 6 and for me to dress casually. When I asked him what we were doing, all he did was wink at me and said _"It's a surprise!"_

I went back to my apartment alone and searched through all my stuff for something wear. I decided to just go with my regular button down with a sweater over it and then dress pants.

Soon 6 o'clock rolled around and I heard a knock at the door signaling Hide was here. I opened the door greeting Hide. He seemed to have just worn his regular clothing as well, but for some reason tonight he look even more amazing. "Ready to go Kaneki?" Hide said gesturing out the door. I nodded in response. "Where are going?" I asked. "Nothing crazy," Hide said with a smirk, "We will be taking the train though." We walked along to the train station and waited for our train to arrive. I looked at where the train was heading and didn't recognize where we were stopping. We were going outside of Tokyo. We went onto the train and the whole ride there I talked with Hide. It felt so nice, getting out and doing something with him. But, as we talked all I could think about was how everything would go back to the dark depressing feeling when we weren't together.

Soon enough, we arrived at our stop and Hide grabbed my wrist and ran with me off the train. "H-hide! Slow down!" I had yelled to him. He stopped suddenly and turned to look at me, "I'm sorry. I'm just so excited to be going out with you." He smiled at me and I felt my face heat up. _He is too ridiculous. Getting all excited over me._ We ended up in front of a little family-like restaurant. It was a very nice place and the food was really good. After eating, I realized why Hide took us to this specific town. They had a small park with a beautiful path to walk around on and at night they had lights illuminating the path. We started walking and as we walked Hide slipped his hand into mine. As my response, I interlocked my fingers with his as we went down the path. "Thank you, Kaneki" Hide then stated breaking the comfortable silence. I looked at him with a confused expression, "Why thank you?" I asked, "I should be thanking you for this evening." "I know but, thank you. For going out with me." Hide said while turning to face right at me. he reached and held my other hand. "I know I say it a lot but I really want you to know that I love you." I could feel myself blush and averted my gaze away from Hide. Hide gave a small laugh. He took his hand and tilted my head back to face him. "It's true, Kaneki. I'm so in love with you." With that, Hide leaned over and kissed me deeply. It felt so nice and light yet with so much meaning. He moved his hands to wrap around my waist as I moved mine around the back of his neck. We stood there for what felt like forever and that time stopped to let us have this one moment. We only broke apart for the necessity of breathing. "I love you very much Hide" I said suddenly. I looked down at my shoes sheepishly. "W-would you want to stay over at my place tonight, Hide?" I asked suddenly. I heard Hide give out a small laugh again as he tilted my head up to see his. "I would love to, Kaneki."

Next thing I knew, we were back to my apartment and only stepped into it enough to let the door shut. Hide and I had already started to feverishly make out, with Hide pushing me against the wall. It felt so different from before on the path but it felt so nice. It made me forget everything I usually felt stepping into my home alone. Now I wasn't alone.

Hide had his hands up and down my back as I tangled my hands in his hair. Hide broke our kiss and nuzzled into my neck grazing his teeth over the soft skin that was there. "G-go to the bedroom." I panted still catching my breath. We got over to my bed which I realized I never made this morning. "Sorry," I said while I got up straddling Hide, "My rooms a little messy." Hide had been focused on the small patch of skin from my collar. "That's so unlike you." Hide said muffled with his breath brushing against my collar bone. He kept grazing his teeth against the one spot and giving little bites. After he was done with that little spot he tilted me over to have hisself over me while I was against the mattress. "Kaneki, can I?" He said breathlessly caressing the side of my face. I nodded in response as I unzipped his jacket followed by him throwing off the shirt under it. I stared up at Hide's body. It was so perfect and flawless. I envied him for that. In that moment I came to a sudden realization as Hide had moved to remove my sweater and started to unbutton my shirt under it. I had to hold onto his wrist to keep him from continuing. "Is everything alright Kaneki?" He asked with concern. "Just leave this shirt on" I said trying to not break the mood. I couldn't have Hide see my arms if he removed the shirt. _Surely what he would see would make him leave._ I didn't want to ruin this moment. I could've just hoped to hide the cuts from him, but they were so new and red it would've been hard to miss. He nodded in response and asked once if I was sure I was okay. I nodded and said yes as I pulled him down to kiss me again to reassure him that it was my fault, not anything he did.

We continued on and did it for most of the night. Hide was so gentle and easy, it felt amazing. We fell asleep soon after with Hide holding me close. I went to sleep for the first night in a while not feeling sad and alone.


	5. Chapter 5

p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"I woke up the next morning with the same heavy weight I felt every morning. It seemed like an endless routine of mine. As I opened my eyes and knew I was alone as always. I sat up in my bed and saw I had the white button shirt on that I had yesterday. span style="font-style: italic;"Oh yeah, I'm not alone. /spanAt that moment my mood had instantly changed, remembering Hide was there with me. Before wondering where he was, he walked back into the bedroom fully clothed. "Mornin' Kaneki!" Hide said cheerfully while joining me to sit on the bed. I gave him a smile in response. "I hope you don't mind I did a little laundry. I had my stuff then I also noticed you hadn't done yours." Hide explained to me. "Oh no you didn't have to do that!" I exclaimed to Hide. "Nah it's okay, I needed to do it anyways." Hide responded. "I did find a bloody towel in the laundry though, are you okay?" Hide said concern. I slowly hid my hands under my thigh as I responded "Yeah, that was nothing. I just had a bloody nose... With the seasons changing you know?" Hide nodded, "Yeah I get it. Just worried me a little." /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"It hurt hearing Hide say that. span style="font-style: italic;"He's concerned. For me. I must be so troublesome to him.../span/p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;" /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"With that I lied back down lazily with Hide joining facing me. "Are you sore at all from last night?" Hide asked holding my hand next to him. "No not really." I said blushing slightly at Hide's embarrassing question. Hide leaned over and gave me a lazy kiss. /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"span style="font-style: italic;"You're so wonderful, Hide. I'm sorry that I'm trouble for you./span/p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;" /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;" /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"We spent the rest of the day together since we didn't have classes. We went to little shops and a café together which was very nice./p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;" /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"Once the day was over I returned back to my apartment with Hide heading back to his own home. It scared me being alone again./p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"I went inside and hid under the covers of my bed. Even just being alone for a little bit I started feeling that darkness returning. Tensing up and pulling on my hair, i tried to just forget how lonely I felt at the moment. I knew I had Hide but for him being gone I suddenly felt so abandoned. Nothing even happened and yet I still felt weak. /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;" /p  
p style="color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px;"The rest of the night I tried forgetting this feeling I had, but it just felt like it was getting stronger. I had to deal with this alone though,span style="font-style: italic;" I can't bother Hide./span/p 


End file.
